Monday

New Years Eve

525,600 minutes, 8760 hours, 365 days, 52 weeks
One Year
This Year
Your Year
2017

I’m not a fan of new years resolutions, I think they send out the wrong message to the universe. Like there is this one singular moment where you have a chance to change. I guess it’s a kind of placebo, like when someone starts a diet on a Monday instead of a Friday, the idea of a fresh start, a blank page, a reset button. But in actual fact, you get a fresh start whenever you decide you want one. You can wake up on the third Tuesday in May and decide that you’re going to go to the gym, you’re not going to smoke, you’re going to finish your novel, quit the job you hate or sell everything you have and move to another country.

January 1st is the ultimate fresh start, the first day of the first week of the first month of a brand new year. A brand new you. Such a cliché if you ask me.

2016 was apparently a big fat write off for everyone, but it was a year of change for me, really good, soul refreshing change; I quit the career I have had for the best part of the last 10 years & I went back to school to study the career that I had always wanted, but never thought possible: fashion. It has been so amazing & so hard at the same time; I have never been so happy yet so broke! I guess I’d always known that I was meant to create something, I just wasn’t ever 100% sure what. Don’t get me wrong; last year had its moments. I questioned myself over & over. Every time a bill came in, every time an unknown number flashed on my screen, my heart seemed to stop & my stomach would flip – how the fuck was I going to pay it? Working part time in order to study was the biggest challenge, it was insane, there where weeks where my bills where almost double what I earned, I was constantly chasing my tail & there where a few really close calls that if not for my mum, I cant say I would have made it through! Yet when I think about the year I barely even remember those moments! I remember all of the fun, the excitement, the newness & the sense of purpose I felt knowing I was doing what my heart wanted. So for 2017 I want more. I don’t want to set resolutions as such, but I figured I would write this as a reminder to my future self to read at the end of next year, in the hope that I will have stayed my course and reached the goals that I want to reach, to hold myself accountable. Yes I could just delete this & come next year there will be no evidence, buuut given I’m pretty sure no one reads this, I’d only be cheating myself out of my very own little time capsule, and whats the fun in that?

So.
Here goes.
The big one.
After three years of being on my own & focusing on me & only me, I will make a conscious decision to be open to whatever or whomever comes my way. It isn’t easy to open your heart to love when you have been burnt by those who have previously been let in, but to shut down, close off & become hardened doesn’t benefit anyone, least of all me. So hopefully come December 31st 2017 I will have met someone. Not just any someone, an incredible someone. They will bring out the absolute best in me, they will shine in their own light, be ambitious, independent, curious about life, adventurous, spontaneous, courageous, loving, supportive, honest & above all they will find happiness in the simplest of things.

I will remain committed to my health. Having a back injury & a broken arm in 2015 set me back, but 2016 gave me Pilates & 2017 will have given me back my love for fitness & my strength. Ill have my best body yet.

This year you better launch one of your labels. By April, before Autumn/Winter you will have enough jackets ready to launch & on the backs of a few legends. Commit. Focus. Make a plan and execute it. Don’t be scared of what anyone will think, in fact don’t think of anyone at all. Remain dedicated to your own life & your purpose

Move to Melbourne. Just move. It’s time. 

***Edit the above was written in January, I'm only coming back to it in May & have executed two of my goals... working on the other two, cant really force one & well.. you know, cant force myself to exercise either, I'm very stubborn... 

So for the second half of this year, lets assess what I would like to see by December... I think really, the only last remaining irritation in my life is my absolute disastrous handling of money. 

Sooo i guess my final note to self, is sort your life out. Work harder, Make more money & don't piss it up the wall, get on top of your bills, get organised & get ahead. no matter what it takes. 

There you have it, the five top priorities of 2017. Love, Career, Health, Life & Wealth


the switch

There are moments in time that I am so incredibly in love with my life, so utterly obsessed with every single moment. 
And others I feel the unbearable weight of every doubt & fear I have ever harboured in my mind, it is an indescribable heartache, every inch of my body terrified. 

These are described as the highs and lows of depression. 

I disagree. I believe this is just life. 

I am not a doctor, so I guess i'm in no position to disagree with a medical professional, but I am a human being & as such I am entitled to an opinion. And in my opinion, it is human feel the lows. You're just not meant to unpack & live there. It's like creepy uncle Franks house, you stop in just for good measure so you can appreciate the fact you don't have to go back until next Christmas. 

My experience has been just that, MY experience & others have had THEIR experience. I often hear the line "oh but there are people dying in *insert 3rd world country*" given as a perspective point, but i personally find this statement an insult. You cannot discredit someone's worst by comparing it to something they haven't experienced! In fact, who are you to discredit how they feel at all? Their worst is the worst they have experienced, it doesn't make it less or more than the worst that I have experienced. Im not saying this in relation to war, so don't roll your eyes just yet - that is my exact point, you cannot compare my worst year to a moment in theirs, it is incomparable. So i feel like people who say this are also somewhat discrediting the immensity of just how bad it is in those countries! ANYWAY, back on subject. My point is comparison is not the key to perspective. 

Depression is a huge umbrella, there are different kinds, different triggers, different reasons and different "fixes". I do not believe that depression comes from nowhere, I believe it is our body and mind's way of telling us that we have something in our past that we need to resolve, whether we consciously are aware of it or not. This is not always the whole truth, for some I do believe that they may have a chemical imbalance that makes their lows unbearable & in those cases, sometimes medication is needed to help - alongside a life coach or psychologist. I say "I believe it" because I am not a doctor & I can only base my opinion on my experience, and the lows that I have experienced have been insanely scary. There where some very close calls for me and I am, by my own judgment and many others, a very strong person. What scared me the most though was feeling nothing, of being in an almost catatonic, blank state of mind. In all of these times I can remember feeling worried for myself & simply desperate to feel something again. I have had 1000 moments where I have felt so exhausted, so depleted and just tired of having to be so strong all the time, wondering what "test" the universe had in store for me next - I had nothing left to give. I wanted to give up & give in to the darkness. But I never did, my fire never completely went out & each day I woke up and willed my heart to beat another day and promised myself that it would get better. And it did.

I have had a life coach since the age of 15 to deal with my catastrophe of a childhood & I am still learning now about what a complex web my parents weaved for me. My waves of depression can come at any moment on any day, even if absolutely nothing is wrong. It used to be pretty scary for me, I would shut off from people as I didn't want to burden them with my misery. I would simply wait it out. It took me an incredibly long time to learn to let someone in, to learn that just opening the door will let a little light in. In the last year I have had the least low swings of my entire life. They have still come here & there, but they have been shorter & less heavy each time. My heart has been winning the war against the tricks my mind likes to play. 

We have unconsciously trained our minds to revel in misery, to wallow in self pity and focus on what we don't have or what we wish we had. We need to RE-TRAIN our minds! And it really isn't that complex. Finding just three things each morning that you are grateful for, that you appreciate & feel lucky to have will change your days, maybe you wont see it at first, but if you commit to this for 30 days, I promise you will start to feel a little lighter. Slowly, but you will feel it. By acknowledging the good, you are setting your mind up to continue noticing the good throughout the day & to not give so much power to the bad things that happen. 

Our journeys are all different, so i guess technically we are alone in it, but if we're all alone then we're all alone together.
If you are feeling totally and utterly lost, don't trust in me & my words, trust in you & how amazing & special & incredible you are. You are heartbreakingly beautiful, undeniably irreplaceable & so so loved 


Wednesday

The Fear

We all know the feeling. 

The fear. It's there. Underneath the smile that you wear each day, underneath the laughter that bubbles out of your soul, underneath the confidence you assure everybody is real, each day you get up and put it all on, its your very own personally designed mask. It's not fake, but it's not the whole truth, at least it's not for me. 

I think there is a need to protect yourself in this world, a world which doesn't always cater to the feelers, the sensitive souls, the lovers & optimists, it can be harsh and abrasive, shocking and cruel. It takes a uniquely talented person to remain soft, whilst still protecting themselves. Hard exterior, soft interior. Its not an easy line to walk, to find the balance between protecting your heart and letting people in. You have to be careful you don't build a wall so high that you end up boxing yourself in. There is SO much out there to be seen, to be felt, to be explored and believe me darling, it is GOOD. It's more than good. I guess it's easier said than done though, to be brave in theory is so liberating and thrilling, exciting almost, but to be brave in real life is terrifying, it brings an acid to the back of my throat and a fog envelops my mind. 

Cue my mind - what if, what if, what if... 

what if I'm not good enough

And there it is. My biggest fear, perhaps not my biggest, I mean heights are scary as fuck, but I guess it's my most crippling, the fear that seems to consistently appear, constantly challenge me & continue to raise that tiny voice in the back of my mind - and I'm the only one who's losing out from this. I mean with all the things you could be fearful of, this one should be quite simple to adjust right? Perhaps for some it seems ridiculous, but perhaps for a few of you, it resonates. If it doesn't, then find your fear, sit for a moment, be still, hear your heart. Own your fear, if you acknowledge it, hear it & own it - when you do, it cannot control you any longer. It can exist in your heart for only a little while longer as you slowly encourage your heart to let that fear go, to trust in yourself & believe in yourself. To love yourself

Here is the good news, you are not alone. repeat it. roll it around your mind. let it sink it. repeat it. now believe it. We all have self doubt of some kind & for me my controlling fear has been a fear of not being good enough, but if we're being completely transparent here & brutally honest, which is the entire point of my 'dear diary' style blog - it is a fear of not being good enough for the kind of man I have been waiting for, my happily ever after, forever person, maybe also a sprinkling of not deserving that person, a fear of not being loved. The funny thing about finally allowing this feeling to be acknowledged, is that I didn't think that I didn't already know it, but there is a difference between mentally knowing something & soulfully feeling it. To now be consciously feeling this in the centre of my heart was light a light being flicked on, actually no, its more like that blinding white light, like when some asshole opens the curtains before you're ready and all you want to do is pull the covers over your eyes. Unfortunately there's no covers to shield you from your heart. *insert shrugging emoji* welcome to reality girlfriend. Once your heart wants to be heard, or felt i guess, you can't really run from it, eventually no matter how good you are at freezing that little sucker in an ice cold vault, eventually someone is going to come along & shine a little light on it & you will have to confront your mind and let go of this fear. If you don't your fear will manifest into reality, leaving you solely responsible...

Love rules my life, I'm a feeler, a lover, an optimist - I do not believe there is a single more important thing on this planet than to love and be loved. I have always held out hope that all of the lessons in my life have been preparing me for what was coming, guiding me & helping me grow into the person that I was meant to be - before all the bullshit of our childhood shapes & changes our innocent souls. It was a secret that only me & my heart new about, I truly believed that I was going to get the fairytale. So, skip forward to the part where I actually met this unicorn I had only dreamt about & written about... yep. a god dam unicorn in a stunningly beautiful boy body. Complete with every single box ticked & a heart of gold. Now what do you do when you find a unicorn? fucked if i know  *FACE PALM EMOJI*

Now I can guarantee you, there is not one of my friends that know this, but when I met this boy, I though he was someone that I could see myself with. I don't think I even admitted it to myself, it was such a big secret. I didn't want to believe that he existed, because then I had to face the fact that he wasn't mine & I might not be good enough to ever have him. Ohhh hey little heart of mine, did that hurt? Hell yeah. It hurt like a god dam white hot poker being rammed through my heart. Jokes aside, it felt exactly like that. Like a white hot searing pain in my heart. Fear

The specifics leading up to this are not exactly important, but the reason I'm now writing about it, is because I am FINALLY back in touch with my heart. I didn't even notice it happen, but after meeting this guy, my heart disconnected & i felt really displaced and out of sorts. I couldn't for the life of me pin point why. Now that I can feel it all, it seems ridiculous that I couldn't find it earlier. My little heart wasn't ready to be brave, my fear took over and instead of just feeling the feels, it shut off. Fight or flight. Or build a big ridiculous wall. 

SO - I met said boy about 5 months ago, but it took up until literally last night for me to put all of the pieces together, it was like a light bulb, literally. Everything that had previously made no sense & left me upset & feeling like i was completely and utterly unworthy of being loved & 100% going to be left on the shelf all of a sudden made sense & once I acknowledged them, it wasn't as crippling. And it can happen that way sometimes, without you even noticing, it will quietly sneak in through a little crack, the tiniest opening and its like you cant remember how you could possibly have not felt this all along. 

I cant tell you its all going to be ok, that it will work out in the end, that you will overcome your fears & the world will be rainbows, glitter & stardust, but hey, fuck it. I AM going to tell you that, because this world is whatever you want it to be. You can be whatever & whoever you want to be, but first you have to believe in yourself, to love yourself, to put yourself first. You ARE good enough, you are special, important and incredible - so go and be all of those things. Laugh with child like innocence, explore the world, discover new things every day - not just about the world, but about yourself too. No matter who you fall in love with, make sure you remember to put yourself first, to fall in love with yourself first and then find someone who will make you realise just how important the first two things are.  

Monday

falling in love

It's been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet it is said that we need each of these loves for different reasons. 

Often our first is when we are young. It is the "idealistic love"; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children. It is a love that looks right. 

I can tell you this one is such epic truth, it's screaming out from the hidden memories of my past. This one will seem hard, but it is nothing compared to what is to come. To describe my first relationship from an outside point of view replays in my mind over and over "You looked like the perfect couple, Barbie & Ken". And i couldn't argue this. We did look like the perfect couple, but it wasn't real, it wasnt a forever love, it was only an image we projected, not with malice or lies, but we where both young and 'in love'. But it was only the beginning, for both of us. So much to each learn about ourselves still. 

The second is supposed to be our "hard love"; the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we want or need to be loved. Sometimes its unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. It is the love that we wished was right. The one we fight so hard for & bend ourselves in half trying to make work. 

Again, I can write you a beautiful tragic love story of this very nature, one of innocent, unconditional, soul crushing love. It is an epic love story, but without the happy ending. From an outside point of view, nobody could understand it other than us, we where two demons playing with fire, having the time of our lives & falling in love in a way he wasn't ready or prepared for & that ended in a way I never saw coming. It taught me strength I never knew I had, forgiveness I never thought i was capable of, it made me hard, closed off, reckless & distraught for a time, but through the learning & healing of it, it allowed me to find a stillness within myself that I never knew I had. There is still a tender place in my heart that will be there I think until the end of time, a small bruise of longing for what never was, a pulse of unfinished business. The mention of his name pushes and pulls at me in a hundred ways & when I try to put it into words, even to myself, I find that words fail. For me, this terrifies me. My biggest fear in life used to be ending up alone. Now my biggest fear I have is meeting someone who is everything I never knew I ever wanted & not being able to love them enough, not being able to give them enough of myself. I am so scared of my heart still being attached to this almost love, the love that never quite had its time. I will be stuck in a time that does not exist & miss out on an epic love. 


The third is the love we never saw coming. The one that usually comes dressed as all wrong for us & that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.

It's the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don't all experience these loves in this lifetime. Maybe none of you can relate, but perhaps thats just because you aren't ready to. Maybe we need a whole lifetime to learn, or maybe if we're lucky it only takes a few years. The days and months following my last relationship where some of the darkest moments of my life. So for me, the thought of my next relationship, scares the absolute life out of me. I envy those people who fall in love just once & remain so passionately in love their whole lives.

Some believe they are the lucky ones. But I disagree. I think that those who make it to their third love are the lucky ones.

They are the ones who have fought on courageously, ever faithful in their pursuit of love, despite the shattered pieces of their broken hearts scattered on the floor, despite the roaring doubts in their minds convincing them that they are too broken, too hard to love. 

But they aren't too broken, they aren't hard to love ; it's just a matter of finding someone who loves the same way you do. 

And maybe there is something special about our first love & something heartbreakingly unique about our second, but trust me when I say the third will be worth it. Worth all of the endless nights you lay awake clutching at your chest, willing your heart to beat another day, worth all of the tears that soaked your pillows every night, worth each moment you doubted that you would ever be happy again. 

He will be the one you never saw coming
The one that takes your breath away
That looks at you & sees you
The one that lasts 

I promise you.


Friday

almosts

It's a funny things almosts
A job you almost got, a house you almost owned, a decision you almost made
A boy, you almost loved. 

The feeling of missing something you almost had, memories you could have made - it's a feeling that's hard to describe. 
Coming this close, to everything you ever wanted, being able to breathe it in & wrap it around you, your heart let itself drop that barrier of protection for just a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to let hope creep in. 
It's different to the yearning you feel for something you want - when you have a dream, you have fire, you know that you can work toward it, you have excitement & determination, passion & you are fearless in your pursuit. 

To miss something you almost had, is like someone pouring ice on your fire. It won't put it out straight away, it will be a shock to its core, slowly diminishing, while the flames around it flicker with hope and struggle to stay alight; all the while knowing that it's fighting a hopeless battle & eventually going to go out & all you will be left with are the ashes of almost.

Saturday

self love club

You never really know the demons you will face until you face the one's in your mind. 

The boy who broke your heart? He is nothing compared to the voice in your head that tells you to give up, that tells you you're not good enough, that you wont make it, that you're destined to be alone, that you will fail.

The job you lost? It is nothing to what you will lose if you lose yourself...

Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, like I don't belong in this lifetime. I have never really felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I have never felt like I was ENOUGH, always so terrified that I would fail. These where & are my deepest fears, that nobody could ever know, and worse noone would ever understand. How could they? From the outside looking in I am the strong one, the dependable one, fearless and sure. But thats the problem with being the 'strong one', nobody every stops to see if you're ok. Noone knows what to say or how to help, because you're meant to have all the answers.
Want to know the biggest secret of them all? 
My life has been one big masquerade. 
Welcome to my party.

set your soul on fire

I used to be a runner. Forget everything and run - it's just who I was
I was a gypsy soul, never settled, never content
What I learned however, is that you cannot outrun yourself. 
The darkness in your mind & in your heart, your fears; it will all follow you, concealed in a hidden dusty corner of your soul. And just as you begin to settle in the new place you call home, what you where running from will appear again. 
And you will run again. 

Two years ago I took flight once again. Running from the person I had become & the life which I found myself stuck in, looking back over every moment that had culminated into a life i didn't want and a person i didn't want to be - I was utterly disappointed in myself. Disappointed at my lack of strength, my poor judgment, decisions I had made, the people I had surrounded myself with, the people I had let down, I wanted to throw the whole lot in and forget it all. I decided to move to a place I had been before, that felt like home but that allowed me to live in a real life Neverland. Nobody expected me to have my life together, to know what was next or to have a plan. It was an escape from the reality of the mess I had created. In the lead up to leaving, I had never felt so weak and vulnerable, I was terrified that I was never going to be happy, that I was making yet another mistake and that I shouldn't run, but i did it anyway because its what i knew how to do best. 
Avoid. Forget. Run. 

What I found in my Neverland was the release from the pressure cooker I had placed myself in. Freedom to let my hair down and just be. There where people who loved me for me, just as I was, mistakes & flaws included. I was encouraged to find my happy, to find joy again. One of the most important people I met in this time showed me just how good life could be with a simple adjustment of your perspective. Her life was far from perfect, her upbringing similar to mine, but she chose to see the good, focus on the good and create MORE GOOD. She brought only love & light to everyone around her, not just friends and family but complete strangers, she worked harder than anyone i've known & threw herself wholeheartedly into her life. As I began to find myself again, the me I wanted to be, away from the hurricane of home, it became clear that running wasn't the answer. Although I felt lighter & less disappointment toward myself, the same fears cropped up in my life and try as i did to ignore them and avoid them, they eventually became unavoidable. This time, instead of running, I knew it was time to come home and change. 

Just over a year ago i came home. I came home to face the music, to pick up the scattered pieces of myself & put them back together, to examine each piece of my heart & soul, clear out the clutter & be the person I want to be. It has been an unexplainably, undeniably tough journey. And although I have been so incredibly lucky to have the most beautiful people around me, one thing that has remained, is my inability to let anyone in. So ultimately it has been and still remains to be a battle I face on my own. My fears & self doubt still get the best of me on some days, but rather than flight I choose to remain & face it all. 








Friday

hell is empty and the devils are all here

I could tell you about her, but you will never really know her. She wont let you in. She's got a huge heart. She will bend over backwards to help someone, she would give them whatever they needed if she could. Her loyalty to the ones she loves is unheard of these days. Unwavering & fierce. She smiles like she's never been hurt & if you didn't know her, you would never imagine she has been. But she has been, more than you could ever realise. You will see her smile & feel her warmth and truly believe she is a magical lightness, the kind of strength & wisdom that you wish you had. But she's fragile, she breaks easily, it doesnt take much as she takes everything to heart. I'm not surprised that you don't know any of this though, she doesnt let many in, she's cautious and guarded, being vulnerable is too big of a risk. If she does let you in, she trusts you with it all. The good and the bad, the very dusty dark corners of her troubled soul. There are demons she is constantly at war with. And she is a lot worse to herself than anything that could be said to her or done to her. She shy's away from her past, it is her least favourite part of herself. She will store it away, on the highest shelf in hope that you will never notice it or ask about it. She doesnt expect you to even try to find a way in, she is prepared for this life alone. But i promise you, she is so worth it, she is nothing like you would expect and you will have a life that you'd never have if you hadnt met her. You will have a love like no other. 

Thursday

1am

It blindsides you at 1am. 


You jolt awake, not quite sure what broke you from your sleep, you take a moment to adjust to consciousness, not quite asleep, not quite awake, still grasping onto the last remnants of the dreams that swirl around your mind and then there it is. The memory comes crashing in, the overwhelming reality wrapping around your heart, flooding every inch of you - he's not here. You roll over to the cold spot where he should be & stare into the darkness. You wait for the tears to come. But they don't, there's just a heavy weight in the space where your heart used to beat, like the cold space next to you, it's empty, void of any sign life. You told yourself you weren't invested in this one, you kept your heart protected and you didn't let him in... but somehow he slipped through the cracks & now here you are awake at 1am missing him. 

I guess eventually you become accustomed to being left. I mean you have to laugh at some point right? You should be used to it by now, you are the girl who gets left. Yet you hold on to this whimsical notion that one day, a man will come along and change the world as you know it, that all of these relationships have been some kind of 'journey', 'lessons' to grow from. You tell yourself that you're meant for something more, that you're one in a million & you can change the world... but who gave you that crazy idea? It certainly wasn't your 'you've done nothing with your life & you're not going anywhere' mother... It definitely wasn't your condescending 'You have to be really smart to do that job' dad...

It blindsides you at 1am. Your darkest thoughts, your deepest fears, the voices in your head that remind you of your self doubts. And at 1am, under the weight of yet another heartbreak, you might just start to believe them 

Tuesday

the girl behind the mask

What a shame it is that the girl who once believed in fairytales & magic has found her way to reality, with demons in her mind and the fear of never being loved, the fear of being alone.

Im not the silly romantic you think i am. I just want to feel safe with someone. To not always be waiting for him to walk away, to not always be wishing he would love me back. I need to be able to trust that he is there for me for the right reasons, because he cares enough to be there. I wont break your heart like those other girls will. That's exactly why you're so terrified. I could make you happy. And you know that being happy is the most terrifying thing in the universe. Once you're happy it can be taken from you. But still, you sleep with one eye open, your running shoes beside your soul every night ready to run, waiting for some sudden storm that might swallow you up.  I hate how you made me question myself when the problem was you all along. And then I think maybe I was destined to be alone. It''s at night that the thoughts come crashing in, the crushing weight bearing down on my already tender heart and my mind goes to war with my heart. The battle of what I know to be truth and fact at war with what my heart felt & would not relent on and the impossible choice of what to do. 

The sun will rise and set with or without you. So when the darkness lifts & you cannot hide amongst the shadows, you will put your mask back on to face the world and give it the love you know it needs, all the while counting down the minutes until you can retreat into the safety of the night. You will never find your worth in a man. You find your worth within yourself and then find a man who's worthy of you. So trust in your heart, always listen to your heart for it knows you best. Wait for the person who will bring light to the darkness, who will kiss your wounds and fill the scars in your heart with a love you once believed existed.