It blindsides you at 1am. 

You jolt awake, not quite sure what broke you from your sleep, you take a moment to adjust to consciousness, not quite asleep, not quite awake, still grasping onto the last remnants of the dreams that swirl around your mind and then there it is. The memory comes crashing in, the overwhelming reality wrapping around your heart, flooding every inch of you - he's not here. You roll over to the cold spot where he should be & stare into the darkness. You wait for the tears to come. But they don't, there's just a heavy weight in the space where your heart used to beat, like the cold space next to you, it's empty, void of any sign life. You told yourself you weren't invested in this one, you kept your heart protected and you didn't let him in... but somehow he slipped through the cracks & now here you are awake at 1am missing him. 

I guess eventually you become accustomed to being left. I mean you have to laugh at some point right? You should be used to it by now, you are the girl who gets left. Yet you hold on to this whimsical notion that one day, a man will come along and change the world as you know it, that all of these relationships have been some kind of 'journey', 'lessons' to grow from. You tell yourself that you're meant for something more, that you're one in a million & you can change the world... but who gave you that crazy idea? It certainly wasn't your 'you've done nothing with your life & you're not going anywhere' mother... It definitely wasn't your condescending 'You have to be really smart to do that job' dad...

It blindsides you at 1am. Your darkest thoughts, your deepest fears, the voices in your head that remind you of your self doubts. And at 1am, under the weight of yet another heartbreak, you might just start to believe them 

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