falling in love

It's been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet it is said that we need each of these loves for different reasons. 

Often our first is when we are young. It is the "idealistic love"; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children. It is a love that looks right. 

I can tell you this one is such epic truth, it's screaming out from the hidden memories of my past. This one will seem hard, but it is nothing compared to what is to come. To describe my first relationship from an outside point of view replays in my mind over and over "You looked like the perfect couple, Barbie & Ken". And i couldn't argue this. We did look like the perfect couple, but it wasn't real, it wasnt a forever love, it was only an image we projected, not with malice or lies, but we where both young and 'in love'. But it was only the beginning, for both of us. So much to each learn about ourselves still. 

The second is supposed to be our "hard love"; the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we want or need to be loved. Sometimes its unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. It is the love that we wished was right. The one we fight so hard for & bend ourselves in half trying to make work. 

Again, I can write you a beautiful tragic love story of this very nature, one of innocent, unconditional, soul crushing love. It is an epic love story, but without the happy ending. From an outside point of view, nobody could understand it other than us, we where two demons playing with fire, having the time of our lives & falling in love in a way he wasn't ready or prepared for & that ended in a way I never saw coming. It taught me strength I never knew I had, forgiveness I never thought i was capable of, it made me hard, closed off, reckless & distraught for a time, but through the learning & healing of it, it allowed me to find a stillness within myself that I never knew I had. There is still a tender place in my heart that will be there I think until the end of time, a small bruise of longing for what never was, a pulse of unfinished business. The mention of his name pushes and pulls at me in a hundred ways & when I try to put it into words, even to myself, I find that words fail. For me, this terrifies me. My biggest fear in life used to be ending up alone. Now my biggest fear I have is meeting someone who is everything I never knew I ever wanted & not being able to love them enough, not being able to give them enough of myself. I am so scared of my heart still being attached to this almost love, the love that never quite had its time. I will be stuck in a time that does not exist & miss out on an epic love. 

The third is the love we never saw coming. The one that usually comes dressed as all wrong for us & that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.

It's the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don't all experience these loves in this lifetime. Maybe none of you can relate, but perhaps thats just because you aren't ready to. Maybe we need a whole lifetime to learn, or maybe if we're lucky it only takes a few years. The days and months following my last relationship where some of the darkest moments of my life. So for me, the thought of my next relationship, scares the absolute life out of me. I envy those people who fall in love just once & remain so passionately in love their whole lives.

Some believe they are the lucky ones. But I disagree. I think that those who make it to their third love are the lucky ones.

They are the ones who have fought on courageously, ever faithful in their pursuit of love, despite the shattered pieces of their broken hearts scattered on the floor, despite the roaring doubts in their minds convincing them that they are too broken, too hard to love. 

But they aren't too broken, they aren't hard to love ; it's just a matter of finding someone who loves the same way you do. 

And maybe there is something special about our first love & something heartbreakingly unique about our second, but trust me when I say the third will be worth it. Worth all of the endless nights you lay awake clutching at your chest, willing your heart to beat another day, worth all of the tears that soaked your pillows every night, worth each moment you doubted that you would ever be happy again. 

He will be the one you never saw coming
The one that takes your breath away
That looks at you & sees you
The one that lasts 

I promise you.



It's a funny things almosts
A job you almost got, a house you almost owned, a decision you almost made
A boy, you almost loved. 

The feeling of missing something you almost had, memories you could have made - it's a feeling that's hard to describe. 
Coming this close, to everything you ever wanted, being able to breathe it in & wrap it around you, your heart let itself drop that barrier of protection for just a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to let hope creep in. 
It's different to the yearning you feel for something you want - when you have a dream, you have fire, you know that you can work toward it, you have excitement & determination, passion & you are fearless in your pursuit. 

To miss something you almost had, is like someone pouring ice on your fire. It won't put it out straight away, it will be a shock to its core, slowly diminishing, while the flames around it flicker with hope and struggle to stay alight; all the while knowing that it's fighting a hopeless battle & eventually going to go out & all you will be left with are the ashes of almost.


self love club

You never really know the demons you will face until you face the one's in your mind. 

The boy who broke your heart? He is nothing compared to the voice in your head that tells you to give up, that tells you you're not good enough, that you wont make it, that you're destined to be alone, that you will fail.

The job you lost? It is nothing to what you will lose if you lose yourself...

Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, like I don't belong in this lifetime. I have never really felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I have never felt like I was ENOUGH, always so terrified that I would fail. These where & are my deepest fears, that nobody could ever know, and worse noone would ever understand. How could they? From the outside looking in I am the strong one, the dependable one, fearless and sure. But thats the problem with being the 'strong one', nobody every stops to see if you're ok. Noone knows what to say or how to help, because you're meant to have all the answers.
Want to know the biggest secret of them all? 
My life has been one big masquerade. 
Welcome to my party.

set your soul on fire

I used to be a runner. Forget everything and run - it's just who I was
I was a gypsy soul, never settled, never content
What I learned however, is that you cannot outrun yourself. 
The darkness in your mind & in your heart, your fears; it will all follow you, concealed in a hidden dusty corner of your soul. And just as you begin to settle in the new place you call home, what you where running from will appear again. 
And you will run again. 

Two years ago I took flight once again. Running from the person I had become & the life which I found myself stuck in, looking back over every moment that had culminated into a life i didn't want and a person i didn't want to be - I was utterly disappointed in myself. Disappointed at my lack of strength, my poor judgment, decisions I had made, the people I had surrounded myself with, the people I had let down, I wanted to throw the whole lot in and forget it all. I decided to move to a place I had been before, that felt like home but that allowed me to live in a real life Neverland. Nobody expected me to have my life together, to know what was next or to have a plan. It was an escape from the reality of the mess I had created. In the lead up to leaving, I had never felt so weak and vulnerable, I was terrified that I was never going to be happy, that I was making yet another mistake and that I shouldn't run, but i did it anyway because its what i knew how to do best. 
Avoid. Forget. Run. 

What I found in my Neverland was the release from the pressure cooker I had placed myself in. Freedom to let my hair down and just be. There where people who loved me for me, just as I was, mistakes & flaws included. I was encouraged to find my happy, to find joy again. One of the most important people I met in this time showed me just how good life could be with a simple adjustment of your perspective. Her life was far from perfect, her upbringing similar to mine, but she chose to see the good, focus on the good and create MORE GOOD. She brought only love & light to everyone around her, not just friends and family but complete strangers, she worked harder than anyone i've known & threw herself wholeheartedly into her life. As I began to find myself again, the me I wanted to be, away from the hurricane of home, it became clear that running wasn't the answer. Although I felt lighter & less disappointment toward myself, the same fears cropped up in my life and try as i did to ignore them and avoid them, they eventually became unavoidable. This time, instead of running, I knew it was time to come home and change. 

Just over a year ago i came home. I came home to face the music, to pick up the scattered pieces of myself & put them back together, to examine each piece of my heart & soul, clear out the clutter & be the person I want to be. It has been an unexplainably, undeniably tough journey. And although I have been so incredibly lucky to have the most beautiful people around me, one thing that has remained, is my inability to let anyone in. So ultimately it has been and still remains to be a battle I face on my own. My fears & self doubt still get the best of me on some days, but rather than flight I choose to remain & face it all. 


hell is empty and the devils are all here

I could tell you about her, but you will never really know her. She wont let you in. She's got a huge heart. She will bend over backwards to help someone, she would give them whatever they needed if she could. Her loyalty to the ones she loves is unheard of these days. Unwavering & fierce. She smiles like she's never been hurt & if you didn't know her, you would never imagine she has been. But she has been, more than you could ever realise. You will see her smile & feel her warmth and truly believe she is a magical lightness, the kind of strength & wisdom that you wish you had. But she's fragile, she breaks easily, it doesnt take much as she takes everything to heart. I'm not surprised that you don't know any of this though, she doesnt let many in, she's cautious and guarded, being vulnerable is too big of a risk. If she does let you in, she trusts you with it all. The good and the bad, the very dusty dark corners of her troubled soul. There are demons she is constantly at war with. And she is a lot worse to herself than anything that could be said to her or done to her. She shy's away from her past, it is her least favourite part of herself. She will store it away, on the highest shelf in hope that you will never notice it or ask about it. She doesnt expect you to even try to find a way in, she is prepared for this life alone. But i promise you, she is so worth it, she is nothing like you would expect and you will have a life that you'd never have if you hadnt met her. You will have a love like no other.