I used to be a runner. Forget everything and run - it's just who I was
I was a gypsy soul, never settled, never content
What I learned however, is that you cannot outrun yourself.
The darkness in your mind & in your heart, your fears; it will all follow you, concealed in a hidden dusty corner of your soul. And just as you begin to settle in the new place you call home, what you where running from will appear again.
And you will run again.
Two years ago I took flight once again. Running from the person I had become & the life which I found myself stuck in, looking back over every moment that had culminated into a life i didn't want and a person i didn't want to be - I was utterly disappointed in myself. Disappointed at my lack of strength, my poor judgment, decisions I had made, the people I had surrounded myself with, the people I had let down, I wanted to throw the whole lot in and forget it all. I decided to move to a place I had been before, that felt like home but that allowed me to live in a real life Neverland. Nobody expected me to have my life together, to know what was next or to have a plan. It was an escape from the reality of the mess I had created. In the lead up to leaving, I had never felt so weak and vulnerable, I was terrified that I was never going to be happy, that I was making yet another mistake and that I shouldn't run, but i did it anyway because its what i knew how to do best.
Avoid. Forget. Run.
What I found in my Neverland was the release from the pressure cooker I had placed myself in. Freedom to let my hair down and just be. There where people who loved me for me, just as I was, mistakes & flaws included. I was encouraged to find my happy, to find joy again. One of the most important people I met in this time showed me just how good life could be with a simple adjustment of your perspective. Her life was far from perfect, her upbringing similar to mine, but she chose to see the good, focus on the good and create MORE GOOD. She brought only love & light to everyone around her, not just friends and family but complete strangers, she worked harder than anyone i've known & threw herself wholeheartedly into her life. As I began to find myself again, the me I wanted to be, away from the hurricane of home, it became clear that running wasn't the answer. Although I felt lighter & less disappointment toward myself, the same fears cropped up in my life and try as i did to ignore them and avoid them, they eventually became unavoidable. This time, instead of running, I knew it was time to come home and change.
Just over a year ago i came home. I came home to face the music, to pick up the scattered pieces of myself & put them back together, to examine each piece of my heart & soul, clear out the clutter & be the person I want to be. It has been an unexplainably, undeniably tough journey. And although I have been so incredibly lucky to have the most beautiful people around me, one thing that has remained, is my inability to let anyone in. So ultimately it has been and still remains to be a battle I face on my own. My fears & self doubt still get the best of me on some days, but rather than flight I choose to remain & face it all.