Wednesday

The Fear

We all know the feeling. 

The fear. It's there. Underneath the smile that you wear each day, underneath the laughter that bubbles out of your soul, underneath the confidence you assure everybody is real, each day you get up and put it all on, its your very own personally designed mask. It's not fake, but it's not the whole truth, at least it's not for me. 

I think there is a need to protect yourself in this world, a world which doesn't always cater to the feelers, the sensitive souls, the lovers & optimists, it can be harsh and abrasive, shocking and cruel. It takes a uniquely talented person to remain soft, whilst still protecting themselves. Hard exterior, soft interior. Its not an easy line to walk, to find the balance between protecting your heart and letting people in. You have to be careful you don't build a wall so high that you end up boxing yourself in. There is SO much out there to be seen, to be felt, to be explored and believe me darling, it is GOOD. It's more than good. I guess it's easier said than done though, to be brave in theory is so liberating and thrilling, exciting almost, but to be brave in real life is terrifying, it brings an acid to the back of my throat and a fog envelops my mind. 

Cue my mind - what if, what if, what if... 

what if I'm not good enough

And there it is. My biggest fear, perhaps not my biggest, I mean heights are scary as fuck, but I guess it's my most crippling, the fear that seems to consistently appear, constantly challenge me & continue to raise that tiny voice in the back of my mind - and I'm the only one who's losing out from this. I mean with all the things you could be fearful of, this one should be quite simple to adjust right? Perhaps for some it seems ridiculous, but perhaps for a few of you, it resonates. If it doesn't, then find your fear, sit for a moment, be still, hear your heart. Own your fear, if you acknowledge it, hear it & own it - when you do, it cannot control you any longer. It can exist in your heart for only a little while longer as you slowly encourage your heart to let that fear go, to trust in yourself & believe in yourself. To love yourself

Here is the good news, you are not alone. repeat it. roll it around your mind. let it sink it. repeat it. now believe it. We all have self doubt of some kind & for me my controlling fear has been a fear of not being good enough, but if we're being completely transparent here & brutally honest, which is the entire point of my 'dear diary' style blog - it is a fear of not being good enough for the kind of man I have been waiting for, my happily ever after, forever person, maybe also a sprinkling of not deserving that person, a fear of not being loved. The funny thing about finally allowing this feeling to be acknowledged, is that I didn't think that I didn't already know it, but there is a difference between mentally knowing something & soulfully feeling it. To now be consciously feeling this in the centre of my heart was light a light being flicked on, actually no, its more like that blinding white light, like when some asshole opens the curtains before you're ready and all you want to do is pull the covers over your eyes. Unfortunately there's no covers to shield you from your heart. *insert shrugging emoji* welcome to reality girlfriend. Once your heart wants to be heard, or felt i guess, you can't really run from it, eventually no matter how good you are at freezing that little sucker in an ice cold vault, eventually someone is going to come along & shine a little light on it & you will have to confront your mind and let go of this fear. If you don't your fear will manifest into reality, leaving you solely responsible...

Love rules my life, I'm a feeler, a lover, an optimist - I do not believe there is a single more important thing on this planet than to love and be loved. I have always held out hope that all of the lessons in my life have been preparing me for what was coming, guiding me & helping me grow into the person that I was meant to be - before all the bullshit of our childhood shapes & changes our innocent souls. It was a secret that only me & my heart new about, I truly believed that I was going to get the fairytale. So, skip forward to the part where I actually met this unicorn I had only dreamt about & written about... yep. a god dam unicorn in a stunningly beautiful boy body. Complete with every single box ticked & a heart of gold. Now what do you do when you find a unicorn? fucked if i know  *FACE PALM EMOJI*

Now I can guarantee you, there is not one of my friends that know this, but when I met this boy, I though he was someone that I could see myself with. I don't think I even admitted it to myself, it was such a big secret. I didn't want to believe that he existed, because then I had to face the fact that he wasn't mine & I might not be good enough to ever have him. Ohhh hey little heart of mine, did that hurt? Hell yeah. It hurt like a god dam white hot poker being rammed through my heart. Jokes aside, it felt exactly like that. Like a white hot searing pain in my heart. Fear

The specifics leading up to this are not exactly important, but the reason I'm now writing about it, is because I am FINALLY back in touch with my heart. I didn't even notice it happen, but after meeting this guy, my heart disconnected & i felt really displaced and out of sorts. I couldn't for the life of me pin point why. Now that I can feel it all, it seems ridiculous that I couldn't find it earlier. My little heart wasn't ready to be brave, my fear took over and instead of just feeling the feels, it shut off. Fight or flight. Or build a big ridiculous wall. 

SO - I met said boy about 5 months ago, but it took up until literally last night for me to put all of the pieces together, it was like a light bulb, literally. Everything that had previously made no sense & left me upset & feeling like i was completely and utterly unworthy of being loved & 100% going to be left on the shelf all of a sudden made sense & once I acknowledged them, it wasn't as crippling. And it can happen that way sometimes, without you even noticing, it will quietly sneak in through a little crack, the tiniest opening and its like you cant remember how you could possibly have not felt this all along. 

I cant tell you its all going to be ok, that it will work out in the end, that you will overcome your fears & the world will be rainbows, glitter & stardust, but hey, fuck it. I AM going to tell you that, because this world is whatever you want it to be. You can be whatever & whoever you want to be, but first you have to believe in yourself, to love yourself, to put yourself first. You ARE good enough, you are special, important and incredible - so go and be all of those things. Laugh with child like innocence, explore the world, discover new things every day - not just about the world, but about yourself too. No matter who you fall in love with, make sure you remember to put yourself first, to fall in love with yourself first and then find someone who will make you realise just how important the first two things are.  

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